The fish part under "On Screaming" is my favorite.
'Lamentations of the Father'
by Ian Frazier
Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the
hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the
living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but
not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and
of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown
provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen
dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in
the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups, you may
drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed,
when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or
beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and
are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as it were. Neither raise up
your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination unto
me. Yea, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the
table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork,
nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your
blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you shall be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not
bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make
noises in it sounding like a duck: for you shall be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and
do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you,
do not so, even if your brother or your sister hath done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I
say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with
it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And
though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them
upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that,
your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has
come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your
meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than
three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also
eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can
see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still
you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes
uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork,
that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into
iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each
other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense
with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only
remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal
seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you
and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the
vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound
from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your
nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself,
yet shall not surely die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the
very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice
and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for
my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
